


Blackbird

by chetvero



Category: Star Wars - All Media Types
Genre: Angst, Canonical Character Death, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Gen, Healing, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Suicidal Thoughts
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-05-23
Updated: 2020-05-23
Packaged: 2021-03-03 00:41:17
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,281
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24342217
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/chetvero/pseuds/chetvero
Summary: Set after the TROS. The Resistance won, the war is over. But sometimes it's hard to return from war, even for the strongest ones.
Comments: 2
Kudos: 12





	Blackbird

**Author's Note:**

> This text has mentions of PTSD (post-traumatic stress disorder). It may be the result of trauma, being involved in armed conflicts etc. It is painful and stressful for person and those who are close to them. It's okay to ask for help in case it happened, and to supports those who suffer from it in any possible form.
> 
> Title and inspiration - Blackbird by Alter Bridge

Poe is bored. He feels so out of place now when the war is over. War was part of his life more than it was not, so he doesn’t know what to do with himself now in the first place, how to live without constantly being on the brink of death. It’s boring and he may or may not has become an adrenaline junkie by now, so… Bored. Right. 

If there wasn’t more to it.

He can deal with nightmares when he wakes up gasping for air. There’s nothing that some alcohol or good workout wouldn’t help with. 

He can deal with sudden waves of anxiety when he feels the smell of scorching metal. He takes a deep breath and grounds himself, returning to reality.

He even can deal with the fact that it takes him a few seconds to react when someone addresses him as “General”. He’s so not used to being called like that; he still waits for Leia to respond.

It occurred to him once, that in a way he was lucky to lose his mother while he was still a child. It’s a terrifying thought, sure. Losing Shara hurt like hell - still hurts, but now it’s dull and melancholic pain, buried under scars and losses and mistakes, and happy memories of her in beloved A-wing or sitting by a Force Tree. 

But the fact of losing a person who became kind of a mother figure to him, losing her after all they've been through, when they were so close to the victory - he still hasn't processed it properly. He’s not sure that he’d ever will. He still talks to General Organa in his thoughts, asks questions and looks for advice. 

Shrink would say that he has some kind of PTSD if he ever went to see one. Poe didn’t. There’s nothing new, nothing he doesn’t already know. And he can deal with it. He’s too busy with all post-war shit to dwell on such minor issues as troubled sleeping or delayed responses.

Still there is something else. Something that scares the shit out of him and makes him think he goes nuts.

Poe sees them. Snap, Paige, Muran, L’ulo, all the others. Those who hadn't returned when he did. He sees them with the corner of his eye in the far end of the hangar each time he goes down there. And for the shortest and sweetest moment he does not feel like something is wrong.

It feels so right - his squadron, his brothers and sisters in arms, laughing, celebrating life, taking care of their birds and droids. 

And then he blinks, and vision disappears, and it hurts. Force, it hurts. Survivors guilt, they said. It's not guilt. It's fucking searing pain. Poe is so devastated each time this happens that in the end he just voids going to the hangar until it is absolutely necessary.

Of course, there is a catch here. He misses flying. And it hurts too. Hurts not to be doing what he does best. He's a pilot, and an officer, and the Resistance official jar head, not some diplomat with the fake smile. Poe Dameron can't make a decent lie, never could and doesn’t want to start now. 

Poe is lost. Sometimes, when things look worse than usual, he toys with The Idea. It's simple enough - to take some decommissioned x-wing (because he loves his current Black One too much for this), assign BB to assist Rey (because he loves that small bastard even more) and… to become one with an eternal galaxy void. Just a little accident during training flight, nothing suspicious. He used to believe that he'll end up like this one day, so… why fight the inevitable? 

On the other hand, he imagines just what Mom and Leia would say to this. He imagines utter disappointment written on their faces, imagines Mom’s scowl and Leia’s sceptical smirk.

Rey told him once that she could see fallen Jedi’s force ghosts like they were real. He believed her, how could he not? All these Force tricks were way beyond his understanding, even though he witnessed some of them with his own eyes. 

So yes, Poe is quite sure that Leia will find him in afterlife just to slap him one more time for being stupid and selfish, and for giving up the fight. He is more than convinced she would do it, even if he doesn’t believe in afterlife per se.

He secretly wishes she’d show up now, when he’s lost and losing hope, to put some sense in his head, and he would be so happy to see her, even if it meant taking some slaps and cuffs. 

It never happens, so he just goes on.

One day he goes to Rose and asks her about being alive while others are not. He's sure he sounds pathetic, but then Rose hugs him and whispers some similar nonsense about time and healing, and it feels surprisingly heart-warming. He’s not the only one who lost friends or beloved. Others are dealing with it so he can do it too. 

The other day he bumps into Karé on a base. He was not avoiding her after the final battle, no, but it hurts to see her - so lonely and yet so strong. She is stronger than most, hell, she is stronger than him, and Poe doesn’t want to be a reminder of what Karé had. 

Of course, Karé doesn’t let him get away. To be honest, she practically drags him to the closest cantina, and they end up drinking and remembering all the shit they saw as a team.

It’s not as painful as he was afraid it would be, courtesy of drinks and time passed. At some point Poe even shares a story how Snap almost killed Poe with risky manoeuvre when Karé had decided to breakup with him. They laugh so hard, that Poe’s abs hurt for a few hours afterwards. It’s good, almost like those old days when they were just careless and hot-headed pilots. Poe decides to make it a tradition.

So, they get together with the rest of Black squadron to unwind, drinking and laughing and crying. And it feels… right. They are pilots of the Resistance, after all, best of the best. They fooled death too many times to dwell and mop now. And after each hour spent with his squadron Poe feels more and more alive.

Time flows. On several occasions he takes Black One and goes for some more or less diplomatic missions, once again enjoying the feel of the controls under his fingers and familiarity of the hyperspace around. No shooting TIE’s, but well, isn’t it what they fought for?

The Galaxy is not a safe place still - pirates, smugglers, bounty hunters and other scum didn’t disappear when the First Order fell. The reborn republic’s authorities are wiser this time and keep armed forces at their best. So, Poe trades, bribes, wheedles the position, and at last happily drops his diplomatic role and returns to planning operations, training recruits and polishing his beloved x-wing. 

He’s almost back to his old self - the best pilot of the Resistance, and it doesn’t matter that the Resistance is now more of a legend. 

Yeah, maybe one day he’ll settle on his home planet, to grow some koyos. He’ll have their usual banters with the resident Master Jedi, who will use Yavin Force Tree as a beacon for new force-sensitives.He’ll tend his droids and will get himself a loth-cat.

But it will be later. For now, he has his wings, and purpose and strength of those who are not with him now but who he holds dear.

**Author's Note:**

> My first SW fanfiction (runs and hides).  
> I'm not native speaker so in case you see something awful - let me know.


End file.
